No, I do not always have it together. Most of the time I do not. It may come across as if I do, cute photos on social media, outings with friends, dinners etc. Friends say; you are doing so well or ask, how do you do it? My thoughts, you have no idea! If you only knew!!!
There are weeks when I feel like I do have it all together but there are weeks like this week when I don’t. I feel lost, over whelmed, and a bit angry. At times I feel really dumb because I wish I knew how to do things better. I wish I knew how to fix things. How to fix me. Balancing work and being a mom is not easy. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. You want to be good at everything yet you always feel like you are lacking in one area. It is hard. It is exhausting. If you are good at your job, manage long hours, attend important events you feel guilty because you feel as if you are lacking as a mother. If you work late you feel guilty for not being there for your kid. And yet when you are there all the time you feel like your career isn’t moving. It is so hard to be good at both and so easy to feel as a failure. Not only a failure to yourself but a failure to your child. It’s really not that easy and I’m not always doing so well. And I know many women who feel the same.
Earlier this week, I read a blog post by a mother who described her feelings about being a mother. The title drew me to it, “I don’t like being a Mother.” It was raw, honest and emotional. She shared feelings so many women are afraid to even think. Afraid to share with anyone. Afraid to allow those words to come out of their mouths. I am sure most women can relate to some of her feelings but will never admit it. I think there’s so much pressure on women to do it all. We must do it all, do it well and don’t complaint about it. If you do, you feel guilty. If you do, you are a bad mother.
The mother who wrote this post said she felt as if she was missing “some chain of DNA all mothers are supposed possess.” She shouldn’t feel this way but this is what society says to women. This is what you are supposed to do. You are supposed to be good. It will come naturally. You are less of a woman if you don’t. Motherhood isn’t for everyone and that’s okay. It is not okay to judge anyone for making the choice to not have children. And it is okay if you don’t want any. Believe me, it really is! That does not make any woman worth less. So can we please stop asking married couples without children, “so, when are you guys having children?” Stop asking single women, when are you getting married? Don’t you want any children? Stop asking first time mothers, “are you ready for a second?
Motherhood isn’t always a magical journey. It’s not always filled with happy feelings or thoughts. It’s not always nice. I too have some of those feelings. I’m not always happy. I get sad. I cry. I watch Gael and wonder if I’m good enough for him as I struggle to keep a career. It is hard. Sometimes I get angry at myself for having these feelings and then I remind myself I am human. There were so many things that have been going wrong this week, moments of weakness and defeat, moments of failure and disappointment, moments of anger and hopelessness, moments of mourning and sorrow. Moments when you feel broken all over again. Yet, there’s always a glare of hope at the end of the day when Gael smiles. He is my clutch. He brings me back to balance. I know I may not be the best mom but I do know I am good enough for him. He has no choice; he is stuck with me J
I thank that anonymous mother for writing her feelings like she did. She is amazingly brave. I hope life gifts her with a glare of hope. Hope and happiness. She deserves it.