Stop with the questions

From time to time I get the questions, when you are getting married? do you plan on having kids? People, don’t ask these questions to a single person because you have no clue what is going on in their lives. You have no idea if they are going through a tough break up or they are simply happy to be on their own. DO NOT feel bad for us because we choose to be single. Don’t talk to me in a poor baby tone just because I do not have a man by my side. Do not assume I am a miserable woman because I’m not in a relationship. I’ve been miserable when in a relationship.

The kids question is especially annoying to be because there can be so much going on in that person’s life. ever thought maybe just maybe, this person cannot have children? what if they just went through a miscarriage? what if i do not want to have children? oh, and just because I do no have children doesn’t mean I’m a less of a woman. Do not assume my life is better than yours just because I’m not a mother. AND don’t say things like, “you have it so good,”  or “you just don’t know.” You are right, I do not know but that’s doesn’t make you better than me and it doesn’t mean my life is so much better than yours either.

Before asking these questions out loud think about it. You have no idea what that question may spark in that person. One of those questions may trigger pain, sorrow or anger. Respect others life as they are. Marriage is not for everyone. Kids are not for everyone.

I wrote this late last year and it seem appropriate to re-post!! thanks for letting me vent

Dec. 2011

So what if I’m single?

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“This family is pretty big but we still need your kids… so what are you waiting for?” These are questions my grandmother loves to ask me!

Others ask are you dating anyone? Would you like for me to introduce you to someone? I’m getting used to it but it does get old after a while especially during the holidays. Before going to any family function or holiday party it seems I have to prepare myself for that “single’s questionnaire” a woman soon to be 30 has answer.

Another popular question: How is it that a woman like you it’s alone? My response back: since when being single or alone is a problem? Apparently for some it is!  Some people see you as if there’s something wrong with you, “I mean, what are you doing wrong? You need top open yourself up more! I get the sense some feel as if it is impossible to be happy without being with someone. My reality is this; I am a happily single woman. My happiness doesn’t depend on anyone’s presence or company. I will confess that there was a time when I believed being happy depended on being in love and giving yourself completely. Yes, it is nice having someone who loves you spoils you the crap out of you and does all those nice things that tend to happen at the beginning of a relationship. This is all nice, warm and fuzzy but I do not believe that personal happiness should only depend on that.

When things happen and that picture perfect relationship changes you will feel as if the world is crashing down and death feels so close. I know, so dramatic, tragic and romantic but that’s how it happens, doesn’t it? I say this because I have been there.

Heartbreak will always hurt like hell but the key is not to let it destroy us. I’ve learned to be happy with myself, enjoy solitude and strengthen my independence.

Being single doesn’t have to be something painful or depressing. There are times we try to move fast and find someone else to fill the void the last person left before really taking time to find ourselves and enjoy being alone.

Reaching the 30s for some women means a race against time. The biological clock starts ticking and that’s when some settle for less.

As far as I’m concern, the biological clock can continue its pace but I refuse to allow it to pressure me to make rushed decisions.

I’ve been asked more than once, “When are you having children? Don’t you think its time? Before asking these types of questions please lets be considerate of the person and their personal reasons. What if I’m not able to conceive? What if I’m trying but haven’t been able to get pregnant? Or what if, I rather not have children? This doesn’t make me any less, or does it? Of course not but unfortunately many see it that way. I’m bothered when the lifestyle of a single person is minimized or is not valued equally just because they are “child-less”! I love how Yahoo blogger Jillian Mackenzie’s puts it  During a recent brief terrorism scare in New York City, a friend said to me, “I have to get out — I can’t die; I’m a mom.” We know you have someone depending on you in an unprecedented way, but there are people who love and depend on us, too.”

A while back I decided to not given in to societal pressures of what a woman my age should be doing. Doing something because you feel pressured will not make you happy and at this point in my life my focus is not getting married of having children. This doesn’t mean I do not believe in love or that I do not want children. I would love to, being a mother is one of the things in life I really do look forward to but while this happens I will do everything I can to enjoy my life just as is. My end of the year wish to my single friends: don’t be afraid of single life. Enjoy it. Appreciate it. Explore it!

When it comes it comes- unexpectedly!

Soltera… ¿y que?

“Esta familia es grande solo faltan tus hijos… que estas esperando?” Es una pregunta que mi abuela Tota me suele hacer. Dice que si no me voy a volver macha!

¿Estas saliendo con alguien? ¿Quieres que te presente a alguien? Este es el tipo de preguntas que me hacen frecuentemente pero sobre todo durante las temporadas de fiestas de navidad y fin de año. No tengo ningún problema en ir sin que nadie me acompañe pero tengo que ir preparada para la sesión de preguntas de una soltera, próxima a cumplir los 30, aparentemente tiene que enfrentar no solo por parte de su familia sin también de la sociedad.

¿Cómo es que una mujer como tú está sola? suele ser la pregunta que sigue.

Y la mía es: ¿Desde cuándo estar sola es un problema? Aparentemente para muchos sí lo es. Te ven como si algo malo pasara contigo, o como si fuera imposible ser feliz por el simple hecho de estar sin pareja.

La realidad es ésta: soy una mujer felizmente soltera. Mi felicidad no depende de la compañía de nadie.

Confieso que hubo un tiempo en que sí pensé que ser feliz dependía de enamorarse y entregarse completamente. Sí, es muy bonito tener a alguien que te quiera, mime y todas estas cosas lindas que suelen suceder en los primeros meses de una relación pero no creo que la felicidad personal deba depender sólo de eso.

Cuando por cosas del destino esa relación color de rosa cambie pensarás que el mundo se te viene encima y te sientes morir. Lo digo por experiencia propia.

Los males de amor siempre van a doler pero la clave es no dejar que nos destruyan. Ahora he aprendido a ser feliz conmigo misma y a fortalecer mi independencia.

La soltería no tiene que ser algo doloroso ni deprimente. Muchas veces nos apresuramos a buscar a alguien que llene el vacío que la última persona dejó sin antes tomar tiempo para reencontrarnos con nosotros mismos y disfrutar plenamente de lo que es ser soltero.

He conocido mujeres para las que llegar a los 30 significa una carrera contra el tiempo. El bendito reloj biológico hace de las suyas y es cuando muchas se conforman con menos.

Por mí, que el reloj siga su ritmo pero me niego a permitirle que me presione a tomar decisiones apresuradas.

Más de una vez me han preguntado ¿Cuándo tendrás hijos? ¿No crees que ya es tiempo?

Antes de hacer este tipo de preguntas por favor consideremos a la persona y sus posibles razones.

¿Qué tal si no puedo tener hijos? O simplemente prefiero no tenerlos. Esto no me hace menos, ¿O sí? ¡Claro que no! Desafortunadamente muchos no lo ven así. Me molesta cuando se minimiza el estilo de vida de un soltero o no se le da la misma importancia a su vida por el simple hecho de no tener hijos.

Me niego a caer en la presión de lo que la sociedad piensa o cree que una mujer de mi edad debe de estar haciendo. A la fuerza nada funciona, y en esta etapa de mi vida mi enfoque no está en casarme o tener hijos. Esto no significa que no crea en el amor ni mucho menos que no quiera hijos. Me encantaría. Pero mientras esto no suceda haré todo lo que esté a mi alcance para disfrutar de mi vida tal y como es.

Mi deseo de fin de año para mis amigos solteros: no tengan miedo a la soltería, disfrútenla, aprécienla, explórenla.

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3 thoughts on “Stop with the questions

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  1. I know exactly how you feel. I got engaged once out of doing what I thought I wanted only to learn it’s what everyone else expected. Being single definitely made me stronger and more independent. What’s funny is that I just got this very question from my grandmother last night. Being single, just like anything else, takes time and isn’t worth rushing out of because of peer pressure.

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