Earlier this year I watched an episode of Private Practice that really moved me. Addison talked to her therapist about how she felt about adopting her little boy. She talked about how much time she spent looking for a man, a certain kind of love and how for the first time she felt like she found it. She found that love in the little boy she adopted.
In life, we wait and at times search for a love that looks and feels a certain way. We wish, we dream and hope of the day we will get to feel that love. I don’t think I’ve met the love of my life but for the first time I feel a love that fulfills me unlike anything else. A certain kind of love, not according to plan!
Yes, I am having a baby and I’ve never felt happier. I will admit it took a bit to come to terms with this huge life change. No, it wasn’t warm and fuzzy at the beginning. It was all very shocking and terrifying. I have never felt so scared in my life. I am in my 30’s and this wasn’t “according to plan.”
I kept thinking, there’s a baby inside of me. A life. A heart beating other than my own. I was not excited and felt so guilty about it. I remember apologizing to my kid everyday for not feeling motherly or getting excited like pregnant women are “supposed” to. At the beginning of my pregnancy, I used to hate seeing pregnant women smiling around me. I kept asking myself, why are they so happy? And why don’t I feel the same? I’m not afraid to say this because that’s just how I felt. I wished I heard more women say these things out loud. I felt pressured to feel differently but it shouldn’t be this way. It was my right to feel whatever I needed to feel and I had to validate every emotion. I needed time to grieve and let go of a type of life and begin preparing for a new one.
I adapted to the changes in my body. I accepted it was no longer just mine but now I was sharing it with my little one. “The kid kidnapped my body,” I used to tell my friends. Frida was no longer in complete control. It felt as if the kid decided for me. The kid decided what we ate or couldn’t eat. I no longer love eggs for breakfast or beefy meals. The kid decides when we sleep. I cannot stay up pass 10:30pm. I miss my late nights with Nightline, David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel. The kid decides when I wake up. I wake up every morning around 5am to go pee. When you are pregnant you can’t help it! The kid decides when I’m tired. I cannot take long runs without taking breaks plus it feels a bit weird to run with my belly. I’m not the driver anymore and it’s going to be this way for a very long time!
Warm and fuzzy didn’t take long. I felt it when I saw the kid moving and sucking the thumb. Feeling a life inside of me is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. I still do not quite understand how it all works out.
The kid succeeded and made me fall deeply in love. All I think about is this kid and the day we get to meet. I am excited because I’ve realized this love is unconditional and everlasting. I cannot say the same about any relationship I’ve had or will ever have with any man. This relationship will never be compared to any other and I’m looking forward to it. I am in love! I thank this kid for revolutionizing my life, shaking my core and introducing me to happiness foreign to me. I thank the kid for not being according to plan and I thank the kid for becoming my warm and fuzzy. I thank this kid for being that love I was waiting for.
I do not feel guilty anymore. Who cares if this isn’t according to plan or the way society says it’s supposed to happen. I’ve always hated the way things are “supposed” to be anyway, why should this be any different? My according to plan is not like everyone one else’s and I’m okay with that.