It was maybe about 5 years ago birthdays began to feel a bit awkward for me. The idea of celebrating “me” feels a bit uncomfortable. I used to get really excited about celebrating and turning one year older. I’m not sure when or why that changed for me. Maybe the idea of getting older doesn’t seem so cool anymore. I’m not sure because I don’t mind saying how old I am and I don’t mind getting older either. I think the fact my birthday falls on New Year’s Day doesn’t help either. It sounds cool but it really isn’t. The celebration of the New Year always wins over the birthday. The only thing I do enjoy about is that it becomes a great excuse to get good friends together in one room- that I do love!
Last year was one for the books, I became a mother and life changed. My world changed. Sometimes I feel I’ve lost a little bit of me in the process and it scares me. Now, my life revolves around a very active 11 month old and making sure he is okay. Most days I’m okay with it but there are days I do miss some of the old me. I miss my voice and sense of adventure. I miss being able to sit quietly at my favorite coffee shop to process feelings and issues through my writing. I love each moment I spend with my son but I do miss some of my old moments and there’s no shame in that.
I haven’t made a list of unrealistic resolutions that will stay written in a piece of paper but there are 2 things I would like to commit to for the next 364 days:
1. Finding myself
I want to find the sense of self I lost while becoming a mother. I would like to focus not just on my life as mother but also as a woman. I would like to regain some of my independence and voice.
2. A happy baby
I know I’m not the best mother of the world but I do know I make my baby happy. I know this because the way he smiles, the way he looks at me and the way he cuddles with me in the mornings. I want to continue doing this and find new ways to make him happy.
That’s it. These are my two big ideas for this year. I hope you have a fantastic year and may 2014 bring you beauty, joy and smiles. Cheers!