Earlier this week I felt something I don’t remember ever feeling before—the pure innocence of love. I was seating on the floor with Gael like we usually do when we get home from work. He was playing on his corner and I was seating there just watching him when out of nowhere he turns, sees me and begins to crawl as fast as he could towards me. He stretched his little arms, hugged and kissed me then went back to his toys. He did the same thing a few times again and just sat there taking it all in, loving every second of it. I never felt THAT love before. I thought that love was just a product of my imagination. His gestures said so much more than words. It was as if he was telling me, “Mommy I love you.” This tiny human being of mine who doesn’t even know the word “love” took it upon him-self to show me how much he loves me, just because.
I’ve never been the kind of person that likes to show affection in public. It makes me uncomfortable when others do. I used to think I hated it but I realize this is something I always wished I had. I remember the first time I saw my father I was really excited. It was right after the civil war ended. I wore the only dress I had, my aunt put my hair in a ponytail and I even wore shoes. I remember all I wanted was for him to hug me instead he handed me a yellow envelope with money and that was it. I didn’t even touch his hand. I couldn’t understand why. I felt no love. No love at all.
I think at some point when I was a teenager I told myself showing affection in public was weird and stupid. It was something only the “fresas” did. Fresas is a nickname for the rich kids. I was always amazed when my friends showed so much love and affection to their parents and their parents did the same. They were not afraid to say things like, “I love you,” or give hugs and kisses just because. I didn’t understand why I was afraid to do those things. Now I know it’s simply because it wasn’t something I was used too. I still struggle with it ‘til this day. I’ve always had a hard time saying things like “I love you,” to certain people in my life and showing affection in public still makes me a bit uncomfortable.
I never want Gael to experience this. I don’t ever want him to afraid to show how he feels. I do not want him to think twice before hugging or kissing me. I don’t ever want him feel like he needs to hide his emotions. I want him to show all that love because that’s okay. It is okay to show love. I don’t ever want him to be afraid of showing any of his feelings because he is a boy- let me make a quick pause- can we stop telling boys to stop crying like girls?!! (That’s a different post for later)
Gael makes me loving. He makes me unafraid of showing love and affection. He makes it okay. He makes me not give a shit about it. He makes me want to change. To realize he loves me just because makes my heart skip a beat; it makes me feel incredibly lucky and blessed. It makes me believe in love again, believe love can bring beauty, hope, peace and joy. This kind of love used to be a childhood dream, something I wished it existed, and something I wished I felt. Something I wish my father would have been able to show me that day when I visited him. Gael’s innocence and unconditional love is making my childhood dream a reality. This love is real, it does exist, I feel it and Gael is making use I don’t forget about it—his tiny hands wrapped around me every single day remind me of it. Every time his beautiful face touches mine reminds me of it. Every time he crawls towards me or gets excited when he sees me walk in the door remind of it. Remind me that he loves me and my world is okay.