Tag Archives: amor de madre

My reaction when I found out I was pregnant was not what you would expect

29 Jan

preg

The day I found out I was pregnant wasn’t at all how I would have imagined it. I didn’t feel how I thought I would feel. I cried so much but not because I was happy, I was terrified. The circumstances were not ideal for a baby, the relationship wasn’t what a relationship should be when a child is conceived. I wasn’t in a good place. We were not in a good place. I was disappointed in myself. How could I have gotten myself in that situation? What about my career? What about all the things I still needed to do? What about my family? What would they say? My friends. Society. The world felt like too much for me in that moment. Life felt like too much. I didn’t feel warm and fuzzy like in the novelas. I was devastated because I was not going to be able to give the family I wanted to give to my baby. It was all too much. This is how I felt and I’m not ashamed to admit it because I know I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way. And you are not allowed to judge if you’ve never been in the same situation. You are not allowed to judge if you have never fallen in love with wrong person. You are not allowed to judge because you do not know the story. 

Photo by Carlos Avila Gonzalez

Photo by Carlos Avila Gonzalez

Fast-forward more than 8 months to January 28th, the night I drove myself to the hospital. I was so nervous and excited because I was finally going to be able to meet my little guy. The little guy I learned to love and embraced with all my heart. I wanted to be alone for night because I knew the birth wouldn’t happen until the next day. I didn’t want anyone to have to spend the night at the hospital. I wanted to be alone because I didn’t one anyone to see me once the contractions kicked in. By anyone I mean my family or Gael’s father.  I didn’t them to hear me screaming or see my in pain. I wanted to experience that alone like most of the important milestones in my pregnancy. I needed to do it alone because that’s just how it was going to be- it was going to be just me and my little guy most of the time. I needed to know I was okay in that room alone. But I was never alone- Gael’s heart beat was with me in the entire time. He helped me through from the beginning and still helps me today. 

Photo by Carlos Avila Gonzalez

Photo by Carlos Avila Gonzalez

Today Gael and I celebrated his first birthday. We are celebrating 22 months together because I cannot forget about 10 months he spent in my belly. Those 10 months changed my life, and the next 12 changed my world. The last 2 years have been the most stressful yet the happiest of my life. Yes, that is possible! It has been stressful because I’m a new mom and most of the time I have no clue about what I’m doing. It’s not easy doing this thing alone. Gael’s father is present and a good father. I have been pleasantly surprised with his support and constant presence. Having said that, Gael and I are on our own most of the time. I’m thankful for family and friends I can count on when I have to work late or I need a night out. It is a blessing to have good people in my life.

Gael and I celebrated by going out for mac and cheese. The kid recently discovered mac and cheese and loves it! I had a beer to celebrate my motherly efforts. When we got home I attempted to bake a cake from scratch and make some whipped topping. I’m not a baker so this was not an easy task for me but I figured what the hell. The cake didn’t turn out too bad and the topping after several failed attempts I finally got to thicken. I seriously have no clue how people do this stuff. I told myself I would bake Gael a cake every year so I better practice some more. In all, it was a good night for the both us. I think Gael could have cared less about the cake; all he really wanted was mommy time.

Today I kept thinking back at that day when I found out I was pregnant and how overwhelmed I felt. I would have never imagined the feelings I have today, the happiness I feel being a mom and the joy my little guy has brought me. I’m in a good place. A great place! I’m not disappointed anymore. I’m actually pretty proud of everything I have been able to do with my little guy. My career will continue. I can still do all those things I wanted to do but now with my little guy beside me. My family and friends have never been more supportive. And society can kiss my ass with their traditional idea of what a family should look like.

Life happens when we least expected. Beautiful things come into our lives in different shapes and forms. At first, we may reject the idea of change because it scares the crap out of us; it shakes us to the core and creates unbalance. I realize today life is not supposed to always be balanced. Life isn’t always supposed to feel nice or pretty, warm or fuzzy. Life it’s supposed to overwhelm us from time to time. Shake us. Scare us. Life isn’t meant to be perfect or always planned. Life can be hard but it can also be easy. Life can be ugly but it can also be so beautiful. We make life what ever we want it to be.

Gael has brought so much beauty and joy to my life. I cannot imagine how my life would be without him, I just can’t. I don’t want to. He loves for who I am. The imperfect woman I am. He makes me laugh like a kid. He makes me cry for joy. He makes me want to be better. He gives me hope. He makes my world a better place.  And oh my God when he hugs and kisses me my world stops- and everything, I mean everything is okay. 

Here are few collages of photos from Gael’s first year. 

firsts

familia

amigs

Motherhood Moments: Now I understand my Mother

12 May

Español para La Voz

Gael con abueIt’s true. The best thing that can happen to a mother is that her children have children.

Now that I’ve become a Mom I understand and admire my mother so much more.

My story with my mother is like that of many other families who come to this country seeking a better life. She had to leave my older brother and me with our grandmother to follow the American dream. I was 2 years old. My mother had to make this difficult decision during the civil war in El Salvador. It was not until 10 years later when she managed to get my residency and reunite.

Since childhood I understood the logic of why she had to leave me behind, my mind processed it but my heart didn’t get it. My heart was resentful for a while.

There were too many moments we missed together– birthdays, graduations, dances, falls, fears and nights.

Coming to this country was a culture shock–a new family, siblings a never met, new language and the mother I always wanted to know.  The only comfort I knew and grew up with was no longer there—my grandmother.  Like any kid at that age going through what i was going through I felt rejected. This was a product of my imagination result of the sudden change and lack of maturity on my part.

At first, I cried every night and all I wanted to do was to run to my grandmother’s arms I missed so much. But I was determined and always reminded myself that this was the best for me and I had to take advantage of the opportunity to live in this country. I kept reminding myself that my mother had made a sacrifice and it was time for me to show her it was worth it. 

Now I’m a Mom

Mi GaelNow that I’m a Mom it breaks my heart to think of how difficult it must have been for my mother to have to separate from her two children. I cannot even imagine her pain the day she hugged us goodbye not knowing if she will ever see us again. It saddens me to think of her suffering during her journey to the United States. She always kept in touch, wrote letters, visited and when she was able brought us to her.

Now that I’m fortunate to be a mom I cannot bare the thought of being far away from my Gael. My life, my world and everything around it have changed. Everything revolves around him. The joy I feel every morning I see his beautiful eyes watching me with excitement it’s like no other.

The transition from a professional independent woman to a single mother has not been easy but I thank God for the support of so many.

She is my fort

My mother has been my greatest support. I remember the panic I felt when I had to tell her about my pregnancy. I did not want to disappoint her. I cried so much but she said, “but why are you crying? You are going to be a mom!”

I think back at that moment and see myself now– all I can do is smile! 

Being a Mother has opened my eyes to so many things. Now I understand her sacrifice of having to separate from her children to provide a better future for them. I understand why she will always defend her children no matter what. I understand her pain when her kids suffer. I understand why her love will always be unconditional. I understand why a mother will always do what is best for her kids.

I admire my mother for having the strength and guts to make one of the most difficult decisions of her life. The course of my life changed thanks her strength and courage.

Now, Gael has changed to course of my life once again and I could not be happier. He is the light of my eyes and the reason I want to be a better woman. 

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