Tag Archives: amor

My semi anti-Valentines Day post

14 Feb

IMG_1451Today I couldn’t help but to be annoyed by overwhelming Valentine’s Day social media posts, balloons and the impromptu flower shops outside grocery stores. I had to ask myself why? Do I really hate it this much? I don’t think I do but I dislike the idea that as human beings we are programmed to be told when to celebrate certain things. I’ve always been a cheerleader of spontaneity, just because gestures on ordinary days. Yes, I’m sure it is very nice to get flowers on Valentine’s Day but wouldn’t be nicer to get them when they are not expected? When everyone is else isn’t doing the same thing? Maybe it’s just me being a Grinch but I think V-Day lacks originality and romance. I also think it brings more pressure to relationships and at times unrealistic expectations. It is great for business though!  Keep in mind this is coming from someone who cannot remember the last time she received flowers for Valentine’s Day. I think the most memorable and meaningful flowers I’ve received were when Gael was born, those were special!

I think showing love on Valentine’s Day is nice but I think showing love every other day is nice too.  I like the idea of having one day to celebrate love, not with things but with gestures, smiles and kindness. I think love should be celebrated every chance we get, every chance we receive it and every change we give it. I don’t think there’s one thing anyone can give to show how much they love someone but I do think they can show it in many different ways. We can show it in the way we treat people. We can show it by simply sharing a smile with someone. We can show it by simply checking on a good friend. We can show it by sharing a meal with our family and friends. We show it in the way we care for our kids. We = by simply being there for someone who needs us. We can show it with one kiss, one simple kiss can say what we can’t say with words. I hope you are celebrating love in an out of the ordinary kind of way. I wish you love, kindness and a really good kiss.

My reaction when I found out I was pregnant was not what you would expect

29 Jan

preg

The day I found out I was pregnant wasn’t at all how I would have imagined it. I didn’t feel how I thought I would feel. I cried so much but not because I was happy, I was terrified. The circumstances were not ideal for a baby, the relationship wasn’t what a relationship should be when a child is conceived. I wasn’t in a good place. We were not in a good place. I was disappointed in myself. How could I have gotten myself in that situation? What about my career? What about all the things I still needed to do? What about my family? What would they say? My friends. Society. The world felt like too much for me in that moment. Life felt like too much. I didn’t feel warm and fuzzy like in the novelas. I was devastated because I was not going to be able to give the family I wanted to give to my baby. It was all too much. This is how I felt and I’m not ashamed to admit it because I know I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way. And you are not allowed to judge if you’ve never been in the same situation. You are not allowed to judge if you have never fallen in love with wrong person. You are not allowed to judge because you do not know the story. 

Photo by Carlos Avila Gonzalez

Photo by Carlos Avila Gonzalez

Fast-forward more than 8 months to January 28th, the night I drove myself to the hospital. I was so nervous and excited because I was finally going to be able to meet my little guy. The little guy I learned to love and embraced with all my heart. I wanted to be alone for night because I knew the birth wouldn’t happen until the next day. I didn’t want anyone to have to spend the night at the hospital. I wanted to be alone because I didn’t one anyone to see me once the contractions kicked in. By anyone I mean my family or Gael’s father.  I didn’t them to hear me screaming or see my in pain. I wanted to experience that alone like most of the important milestones in my pregnancy. I needed to do it alone because that’s just how it was going to be- it was going to be just me and my little guy most of the time. I needed to know I was okay in that room alone. But I was never alone- Gael’s heart beat was with me in the entire time. He helped me through from the beginning and still helps me today. 

Photo by Carlos Avila Gonzalez

Photo by Carlos Avila Gonzalez

Today Gael and I celebrated his first birthday. We are celebrating 22 months together because I cannot forget about 10 months he spent in my belly. Those 10 months changed my life, and the next 12 changed my world. The last 2 years have been the most stressful yet the happiest of my life. Yes, that is possible! It has been stressful because I’m a new mom and most of the time I have no clue about what I’m doing. It’s not easy doing this thing alone. Gael’s father is present and a good father. I have been pleasantly surprised with his support and constant presence. Having said that, Gael and I are on our own most of the time. I’m thankful for family and friends I can count on when I have to work late or I need a night out. It is a blessing to have good people in my life.

Gael and I celebrated by going out for mac and cheese. The kid recently discovered mac and cheese and loves it! I had a beer to celebrate my motherly efforts. When we got home I attempted to bake a cake from scratch and make some whipped topping. I’m not a baker so this was not an easy task for me but I figured what the hell. The cake didn’t turn out too bad and the topping after several failed attempts I finally got to thicken. I seriously have no clue how people do this stuff. I told myself I would bake Gael a cake every year so I better practice some more. In all, it was a good night for the both us. I think Gael could have cared less about the cake; all he really wanted was mommy time.

Today I kept thinking back at that day when I found out I was pregnant and how overwhelmed I felt. I would have never imagined the feelings I have today, the happiness I feel being a mom and the joy my little guy has brought me. I’m in a good place. A great place! I’m not disappointed anymore. I’m actually pretty proud of everything I have been able to do with my little guy. My career will continue. I can still do all those things I wanted to do but now with my little guy beside me. My family and friends have never been more supportive. And society can kiss my ass with their traditional idea of what a family should look like.

Life happens when we least expected. Beautiful things come into our lives in different shapes and forms. At first, we may reject the idea of change because it scares the crap out of us; it shakes us to the core and creates unbalance. I realize today life is not supposed to always be balanced. Life isn’t always supposed to feel nice or pretty, warm or fuzzy. Life it’s supposed to overwhelm us from time to time. Shake us. Scare us. Life isn’t meant to be perfect or always planned. Life can be hard but it can also be easy. Life can be ugly but it can also be so beautiful. We make life what ever we want it to be.

Gael has brought so much beauty and joy to my life. I cannot imagine how my life would be without him, I just can’t. I don’t want to. He loves for who I am. The imperfect woman I am. He makes me laugh like a kid. He makes me cry for joy. He makes me want to be better. He gives me hope. He makes my world a better place.  And oh my God when he hugs and kisses me my world stops- and everything, I mean everything is okay. 

Here are few collages of photos from Gael’s first year. 

firsts

familia

amigs

The power of hugs and kisses from a tiny human

10 Jan

photo (3)33Earlier this week I felt something I don’t remember ever feeling before—the pure innocence of love. I was seating on the floor with Gael like we usually do when we get home from work. He was playing on his corner and I was seating there just watching him when out of nowhere he turns, sees me and begins to crawl as fast as he could towards me. He stretched his little arms, hugged and kissed me then went back to his toys. He did the same thing a few times again and just sat there taking it all in, loving every second of it. I never felt THAT love before.  I thought that love was just a product of my imagination. His gestures said so much more than words.  It was as if he was telling me, “Mommy I love you.” This tiny human being of mine who doesn’t even know the word “love” took it upon him-self to show me how much he loves me, just because.

photo3I’ve never been the kind of person that likes to show affection in public. It makes me uncomfortable when others do. I used to think I hated it but I realize this is something I always wished I had. I remember the first time I saw my father I was really excited. It was right after the civil war ended. I wore the only dress I had, my aunt put my hair in a ponytail and I even wore shoes. I remember all I wanted was for him to hug me instead he handed me a yellow envelope with money and that was it. I didn’t even touch his hand. I couldn’t understand why. I felt no love. No love at all.

photoI think at some point when I was a teenager I told myself showing affection in public was weird and stupid. It was something only the “fresas” did. Fresas is a nickname for the rich kids. I was always amazed when my friends showed so much love and affection to their parents and their parents did the same. They were not afraid to say things like, “I love you,” or give hugs and kisses just because. I didn’t understand why I was afraid to do those things. Now I know it’s simply because it wasn’t something I was used too. I still struggle with it ‘til this day. I’ve always had a hard time saying things like “I love you,” to certain people in my life and showing affection in public still makes me a bit uncomfortable.

photo2I never want Gael to experience this. I don’t ever want him to afraid to show how he feels. I do not want him to think twice before hugging or kissing me. I don’t ever want him feel like he needs to hide his emotions. I want him to show all that love because that’s okay. It is okay to show love. I don’t ever want him to be afraid of showing any of his feelings because he is a boy- let me make a quick pause- can we stop telling boys to stop crying like girls?!! (That’s a different post for later)

photo (2)Gael makes me loving. He makes me unafraid of showing love and affection. He makes it okay. He makes me not give a shit about it. He makes me want to change. To realize he loves me just because makes my heart skip a beat; it makes me feel incredibly lucky and blessed. It makes me believe in love again, believe love can bring beauty, hope, peace and joy.  This kind of love used to be a childhood dream, something I wished it existed, and something I wished I felt. Something I wish my father would have been able to show me that day when I visited him. Gael’s innocence and unconditional love is making my childhood dream a reality. This love is real, it does exist, I feel it and Gael is making use I don’t forget about it—his tiny hands wrapped around me every single day remind me of it. Every time his beautiful face touches mine reminds me of it. Every time he crawls towards me or gets excited when he sees me walk in the door remind of it. Remind me that he loves me and my world is okay.

Our not so perfect Christmas Photos

25 Dec

I had vision of the perfect Christmas photos with Gael. I wanted them to be in our home and as natural as possible. Well, they are in our home and very natural alright! Our photos are the opposite of the perfect holiday photos I’ve seen posted on social media lately and I’m okay with that. My original vision was to have Gael give his picture perfect smile while I hug him or do something along those lines but it didn’t quite work out that way. The night my friend Rafa came by take some of these Gael wanted to do exactly what babies his age do- crawl every where! He did not want to hugged or kissed and certainly not be on Mommy’s lap. He wanted to eat the ornaments, play with the lights, play with my hair and crawl outside our homemade studio area.  At the end of it all Rafa and I said, “this was a total FAIL, how the heck do professional photog’s do this??” I’m not quite sure but I give them lots of credit because photographing babies takes a lot of work and requires MUCHA paciencia.

The following are some of the photos Rafa took as well as a few I attempted to take another night. After going through these I realized this is exactly what I want Gael to see when he grows up. I want him to see the reality of a moment, his curiosity, his funny faces, tantrums and the bit of chaos in our life. This is our perfect!

I hope you are having a wonderful holiday with your loved ones. Thank you so much for taking time to stop by.

Day 8: Captured #naphopomo

12 Nov

IMG_6406

My favorite subjects to photograph are children and the elderly. I always something pure, innocent and beautiful when taking their photographs. This is why I was so excited to be able to photograph my friend’s parents earlier this month. I finished editing and delivered photos yesterday which means I can finally share some of them with you.

I must say this was one of my favorite photo shoots I’ve ever done not just because they are such a cute couple but also because they are not afraid to show their love in front of the camera- it was like nothing else mattered. I usually don’t like to take much time reviewing photos during the shoots. I tend to take advantage of the moment, shoot and review later. I’ve had a lot of great “accidents” happen this way. Accidents are those photos that find you, no planning or staging. At times I don’t realize I’ve taken them until the editing process. What makes these photos great is the emotion they evoke. 

The photo above is one of my favorite accidents. I was not expecting to get that look from him when I took this photo. There’s something so beautiful and touching about the way he is looking at the camera, the way he is holding her and her smile. I see this photo and it just makes me smile. It also make me hope one day someone will hold me this way. The bond between these two is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. They captured me. I was also intrigued by their marriage of more than 50 years. I asked them, “What’s your secret?” and they both just laughed. They thought it was a joke but I was dead serious. I wanted to know how they made it work. I’m sure they had their challenges along the way but somehow they survived them all and made it work which I found truly inspiring. 

I hope you enjoy seeing their photos as much I enjoyed taking them. 

Here’s a few more

This photograph was taken as part of #NaPhoPoMo (National Photo Posting Month) – a shot a day for the month of November.

Check out other photos

I have been too quiet for too long

30 Jul

DSC_1497Today someone reminded me of something I wrote a while back and encouraged me to read some of my posts from a few years ago. Some were very powerful and inspiring. I was transported and wondered what happened to that voice– my voice. A voice that dared and encouraged me to embrace my different.

I have been too quiet for too long and it is time to change that. In the last few months I’ve attempted to write many posts but never got around to finishing any of them.

The voice is there, aching to be loud and tired to be held back.  The truth is, I’ve been making excuses for myself and possibly even using this wild thing called motherhood as a way out.  Being a mom has actually inspired me to go beyond my personal expectations. It has made me stronger but also not afraid to show vulnerability.  I have my son to blame for this!! He forces me out of my comfort zone and has woken up a dormant side of me.  A baby shouldn’t be used as excuse for not doing what I love and what helps me stay sane.  For me, writing is a processing tool—it keeps me grounded and helps me organize thoughts that would otherwise just float around my head which can get exhausting.

I won’t make this long because I’m getting sleepy and I don’t want it to become another post I don’t ever finish. I also need to remember not to over analyze every thing I write. It is okay to share simple, short but meaningful thoughts. It is okay to just want write about my baby. It is okay to not write about him too. It is okay to be human, at times be ashamed, make mistakes, forgive, learn and move on.

I’m a new mom but this shouldn’t mean losing my voice, my person or my different. This doesn’t mean everything about me has completely changed. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to socialize. This doesn’t’ mean I’m clueless or lost. This doesn’t mean I’m not getting enough sleep, always tired or busy.  This doesn’t mean I cannot have an occasional beer or cocktail of my damn choice. This doesn’t mean I’m having a “rough” time. This doesn’t mean all I want to talk about is my beautiful Gael. This doesn’t mean all I can talk about is Gael. This doesn’t mean I do not know what’s going on. I am still Frida—with a little more love and in love.

 

P.S. Thank you for coming back and reading Frida’s Cafe. My goal is to re-design and post more frequently. I have to much to share!!!! I hope you continue to visit and enjoy all the new stuff 🙂

Pedir perdón al corazón

4 May

¿Cómo nos sentimos cuando se nos rompe el corazón?

Sentimos que no podemos respirar. Se siente como si estuviéramos encerrados en una caja sin salida. Tratamos y tratamos pero se nos hace imposible salir.

Gritamos, lloramos, nos enojamos y queremos desaparecer.

Nos sentimos aplastados, completamente rotos de mil maneras.

Deseamos que sea diferente, que no nos doliera tanto, que el dolor se esfumara.

Deseamos ser otra persona, en otro cuerpo, con otro corazón.

Nos damos cuenta de lo real que es, lo doloroso y asfixiante. Queremos salir corriendo de esa realidad que tanto nos pesa.

Y en ocasiones nos odiamos por permitir que nos pase, por permitir que nuestro corazón sea vulnerable.

El corazón nos comienza a gritar y ruega que no lo volvamos a cerrar. El pobre corazón que llora, tan confundido, roto en mil pedazos que lo único que quiere es que lo amen.

Cuando pasamos por ese profundo dolor en muchas ocasiones la cabeza culpa a ese mismo corazón. Se olvida de que el corazón también está llorando y es el que más sufre en ese momento.

Correr el riesgo

Hace un tiempo empecé una relación sabiendo que el resultado no sería muy bueno pero dejé que mi corazón corriera libremente.

Dejé que volviera a sentir, bajé la guardia y me enamoré profundamente. Puse mi corazón en la línea de fuego y no hice nada para protegerlo.

Yo sabía que la historia sería complicada desde el principio pero me arriesgué. Decidí ignorar todas las señales de aviso y tomé el camino peligroso. Y, finalmente, mi corazón salió perdiendo y lastimado.

Una noche sin pensarlo ni planearlo cuando el dolor estaba a flor de piel me escuche decir una frase que me dio paz. Por primera vez le pedí perdón a mi corazón, le dije: “Perdóname, perdóname por este dolor y no cuidarte”.

En ese momento pude respirar y comencé, también, a perdonarme a mí misma.

Por primera vez le di valor a todo lo que mi corazón sentía, sin concentrarme tanto en lo que mi cabeza pensaba, y me sentí mal por no haberme concentrado en él antes.

Yo fui la que tomó una decisión que tenía altas probabilidades de terminar en desencanto, en tristeza. Yo sabía lo que hacía desde el principio y tuve que asumir mi parte de responsabilidad por el dolor que me estaba provocando a mí misma.

No fui la única que hizo que la situación derivara en dolor pero esa persona nunca regresará a disculparse. Sin embargo, yo sí podía hacerlo conmigo misma.

Tuve que perdonarme y hablarme a mí misma por haber terminado en una situación de sufrimiento que yo misma decidí que merecí ala pena probar. Me disculpé no sólo por esta vez pero por todas las veces que decidí no proteger al corazón.

Muchas de las decisiones que tomamos en la vida no son necesariamente las mejores, y lo sabemos, pero aun así nos arriesgamos.

Nos tiramos del avión sin saber si el paracaídas funcionará y no nos preparamos para la caída.

No seré yo quien recomiende no tomar riesgos. Pero si los tomamos, tenemos que protegernos también y tener muy claro cuáles pueden ser las consecuencias.

Lo más importante es que no te sientas culpable pro haberte permitido sentir. 

Aprende a darle validez a tu dolor, sentimientos y emociones. Si tienes algo de responsabilidad acéptalo con la cabeza pero no culpes al corazón por haberse permitido intentarlo.

Y ten claro que pedir perdón no significa que te arrepientas de nada: solamente muestra compasión y entendimiento hacia tu corazón y hacia ti misma.

En perspectiva

No te arrepientas de nada, ya que en ese preciso momento era justo lo que querías.

Yo no me arrepiento de haberle permitido a mi corazón que se enamorara profundamente porque en ese momento fue la mejor sensación del mundo y me hizo sentir plena.

En ese preciso instante era lo que yo necesitaba y ese amor me hizo profundamente feliz.

Perdonar te ayuda a dejar ir lo que ya no es tuyo o tal vez nunca fue. Te enseña y ayuda crecer.

No pierdas tu tiempo buscando culpables, ni trates de entender a la otra persona y sus razones. Te volverás loca si tratas de entender el porqué. Si la otra persona es madura y sensata querrá hablar contigo y, ojalá, explicar sus razones.

No te hundas en el dolor: eso te privará de la libertad y felicidad que te mereces.

No te estanques en una persona que no vale la pena ni tu tiempo. Si la dejas ir es posible que encuentres a alguien que sí lo valga. Si lo extrañas, extráñalo, envíale buenos deseos y déjalo en paz.

Si tienes que llorar, llora, permítete reflexionar y sigue adelante. Te aseguro que si logras hacer esto volverás a respirar sin dolor alguno.

Las caídas pueden ser lecciones de vida muy importantes que nos permiten crecer y nos ayudan a prevenir otras en el futuro. Asumir la responsabilidad y darnos cuentas que nuestros propios errores también ayuda.

No culpes a tu corazón por algo que tú decidiste conscientemente. Tu corazón sólo busca amar y ser amado y no sabe de lógica, pero tú sí.

Aprende a levantarte de cada caída sin que antes te destruya. Y recuerda que todo en la vida puede ser un aprendizaje: hasta el dolor.


%d bloggers like this: