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My reaction when I found out I was pregnant was not what you would expect

29 Jan

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The day I found out I was pregnant wasn’t at all how I would have imagined it. I didn’t feel how I thought I would feel. I cried so much but not because I was happy, I was terrified. The circumstances were not ideal for a baby, the relationship wasn’t what a relationship should be when a child is conceived. I wasn’t in a good place. We were not in a good place. I was disappointed in myself. How could I have gotten myself in that situation? What about my career? What about all the things I still needed to do? What about my family? What would they say? My friends. Society. The world felt like too much for me in that moment. Life felt like too much. I didn’t feel warm and fuzzy like in the novelas. I was devastated because I was not going to be able to give the family I wanted to give to my baby. It was all too much. This is how I felt and I’m not ashamed to admit it because I know I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way. And you are not allowed to judge if you’ve never been in the same situation. You are not allowed to judge if you have never fallen in love with wrong person. You are not allowed to judge because you do not know the story. 

Photo by Carlos Avila Gonzalez

Photo by Carlos Avila Gonzalez

Fast-forward more than 8 months to January 28th, the night I drove myself to the hospital. I was so nervous and excited because I was finally going to be able to meet my little guy. The little guy I learned to love and embraced with all my heart. I wanted to be alone for night because I knew the birth wouldn’t happen until the next day. I didn’t want anyone to have to spend the night at the hospital. I wanted to be alone because I didn’t one anyone to see me once the contractions kicked in. By anyone I mean my family or Gael’s father.  I didn’t them to hear me screaming or see my in pain. I wanted to experience that alone like most of the important milestones in my pregnancy. I needed to do it alone because that’s just how it was going to be- it was going to be just me and my little guy most of the time. I needed to know I was okay in that room alone. But I was never alone- Gael’s heart beat was with me in the entire time. He helped me through from the beginning and still helps me today. 

Photo by Carlos Avila Gonzalez

Photo by Carlos Avila Gonzalez

Today Gael and I celebrated his first birthday. We are celebrating 22 months together because I cannot forget about 10 months he spent in my belly. Those 10 months changed my life, and the next 12 changed my world. The last 2 years have been the most stressful yet the happiest of my life. Yes, that is possible! It has been stressful because I’m a new mom and most of the time I have no clue about what I’m doing. It’s not easy doing this thing alone. Gael’s father is present and a good father. I have been pleasantly surprised with his support and constant presence. Having said that, Gael and I are on our own most of the time. I’m thankful for family and friends I can count on when I have to work late or I need a night out. It is a blessing to have good people in my life.

Gael and I celebrated by going out for mac and cheese. The kid recently discovered mac and cheese and loves it! I had a beer to celebrate my motherly efforts. When we got home I attempted to bake a cake from scratch and make some whipped topping. I’m not a baker so this was not an easy task for me but I figured what the hell. The cake didn’t turn out too bad and the topping after several failed attempts I finally got to thicken. I seriously have no clue how people do this stuff. I told myself I would bake Gael a cake every year so I better practice some more. In all, it was a good night for the both us. I think Gael could have cared less about the cake; all he really wanted was mommy time.

Today I kept thinking back at that day when I found out I was pregnant and how overwhelmed I felt. I would have never imagined the feelings I have today, the happiness I feel being a mom and the joy my little guy has brought me. I’m in a good place. A great place! I’m not disappointed anymore. I’m actually pretty proud of everything I have been able to do with my little guy. My career will continue. I can still do all those things I wanted to do but now with my little guy beside me. My family and friends have never been more supportive. And society can kiss my ass with their traditional idea of what a family should look like.

Life happens when we least expected. Beautiful things come into our lives in different shapes and forms. At first, we may reject the idea of change because it scares the crap out of us; it shakes us to the core and creates unbalance. I realize today life is not supposed to always be balanced. Life isn’t always supposed to feel nice or pretty, warm or fuzzy. Life it’s supposed to overwhelm us from time to time. Shake us. Scare us. Life isn’t meant to be perfect or always planned. Life can be hard but it can also be easy. Life can be ugly but it can also be so beautiful. We make life what ever we want it to be.

Gael has brought so much beauty and joy to my life. I cannot imagine how my life would be without him, I just can’t. I don’t want to. He loves for who I am. The imperfect woman I am. He makes me laugh like a kid. He makes me cry for joy. He makes me want to be better. He gives me hope. He makes my world a better place.  And oh my God when he hugs and kisses me my world stops- and everything, I mean everything is okay. 

Here are few collages of photos from Gael’s first year. 

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amigs

#NaPhoPoMo 2013 Last Day: Look for the light

1 Dec

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#Naphopomo is officially over and although I started a little late I’m proud of myself for posting 27 straight days. I really enjoyed the practice because it got me back into photography and on a regular routine of writing.  I have to thank the wonderful Karen Walrond for introducing me to Naphopomo and encouraging me to put my camera to good use. 

This came at a perfect time because I was feeling a bit lost with my blog. I wasn’t dedicating much time because I was always second guessing myself and what I was writing. I decided to make a practice to simply post a photo a day and not worry about writing a long post. This gave me so much room to breathe and helped me realized I do not have to write a long post in order to keep this space up to date. I can do so much with an image or a simple thought. 

This last photo is the perfect ending to a great month. Karen always always encourages to Look for the light and so I did in different ways.  

I found light in my camera. I found light in unexpected moments. I found light in an unexpected someone. I found light in a ordinary day. I found light while watching my sweet boy sleep. I found light in good friends.  I found light in my home. I found light even in dark moments that tend to creep up once in a while. I found light within me I hadn’t seen in a good while.

Thank you for following along, liking and sharing my posts. I really do appreciate your time and support. This practice should help me keep Frida’s Cafe current. I won’t bore you with my thoughts every day but will do it at least once a week. I hope you have a wonderful December and remember to look for the light. 

This photograph was taken as part of #NaPhoPoMo (National Photo Posting Month) – a shot a day for the month of November.

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#NaPhoPoMo 2013 Day 26: Our Christmas tree

30 Nov

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Our mini Christmas tree is up! I’m not usually a Christmas kind of person but I’m really excited this year because is Gael’s first. Last year I put up the tree because I was pregnant and this year he gets to see the light beam. The holidays are just so much nicer when you have someone so close and special to share them with. I’m excited about starting new traditions with him and doing things on our own. I look forward to the day when we have a bigger home and we can decorate it together. For now, our mini tree and lights will do. 

This photograph was taken as part of #NaPhoPoMo (National Photo Posting Month) – a shot a day for the month of November.

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#NaPhoPoMo 2013 Day 25: 10 months

29 Nov

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It is hard to believe today he is 10 months, just 2 months shy away from being 1 year. I remember the days when I could take a photo with that zebra to show his growth from month to month. Now it is hard to get him to stay still. He crawls non-stop, stands on his own and wants to explore everything insight. He is a social butterfly who doesn’t mind new people and will give you a nice big smile if he really likes you. He is the light of my days.

This photograph was taken as part of #NaPhoPoMo (National Photo Posting Month) – a shot a day for the month of November.

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#NaPhoPoMo 2013 Day 24: Life changes

28 Nov

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Last year life didn’t look or feel like this. I’m thankful for the changes Gael has brought into my life and all the little things he helps me value. He brings a different perspective, humility, hope and love I’ve never experienced. I’m thankful for this every single day.

The photo above is a tradition I want to continue with him- A mini-thanksgiving meal just by ourselves.

I hope you had a wonderful thanksgiving!

This photograph was taken as part of #NaPhoPoMo (National Photo Posting Month) – a shot a day for the month of November.

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#NaPhoPoMo 2013 Day 23: Lunch alone

27 Nov

imageToday I had lunch by myself.  This is a rarity for me nowadays. I used to do this all the time. Times have changed.  When you are a parent eating becomes a rushed activity even more so when you are doing the single parent thing.  I love eating with my little guy but I also love eating alone. It felt nice to sit back and observe my surroundings while listening to music, and slowly chewing my food. The last part becomes a luxury when you have an active 10 month old.   It felt nice to write somewhere else other than in my bed. It felt nice to do it during normal hours, with daylight. It felt nice to look up at the pretty lamps in the ceiling, the décor around in the restaurant and the couple across the room having a glass of wine. It all felt nice. 

This photograph was taken as part of #NaPhoPoMo (National Photo Posting Month) – a shot a day for the month of November.

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#NaPhoPoMo 2013 Day 22: Beautiful Green

27 Nov

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A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to take photos at the Neighborhood Centers (NCI) grand opening of their Leonel Castillo Community Center  located near downtown. I hadn’t posted any of the photos because I was waiting to give them to NCI. This is one of my favorite photos of the day.  I noticed this kid before the ceremony started and fell in love with the way he looked into my camera. His beautiful green eyes captured me. 

This photograph was taken as part of #NaPhoPoMo (National Photo Posting Month) – a shot a day for the month of November.

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