Tag Archives: single mother

My reaction when I found out I was pregnant was not what you would expect

29 Jan

preg

The day I found out I was pregnant wasn’t at all how I would have imagined it. I didn’t feel how I thought I would feel. I cried so much but not because I was happy, I was terrified. The circumstances were not ideal for a baby, the relationship wasn’t what a relationship should be when a child is conceived. I wasn’t in a good place. We were not in a good place. I was disappointed in myself. How could I have gotten myself in that situation? What about my career? What about all the things I still needed to do? What about my family? What would they say? My friends. Society. The world felt like too much for me in that moment. Life felt like too much. I didn’t feel warm and fuzzy like in the novelas. I was devastated because I was not going to be able to give the family I wanted to give to my baby. It was all too much. This is how I felt and I’m not ashamed to admit it because I know I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way. And you are not allowed to judge if you’ve never been in the same situation. You are not allowed to judge if you have never fallen in love with wrong person. You are not allowed to judge because you do not know the story. 

Photo by Carlos Avila Gonzalez

Photo by Carlos Avila Gonzalez

Fast-forward more than 8 months to January 28th, the night I drove myself to the hospital. I was so nervous and excited because I was finally going to be able to meet my little guy. The little guy I learned to love and embraced with all my heart. I wanted to be alone for night because I knew the birth wouldn’t happen until the next day. I didn’t want anyone to have to spend the night at the hospital. I wanted to be alone because I didn’t one anyone to see me once the contractions kicked in. By anyone I mean my family or Gael’s father.  I didn’t them to hear me screaming or see my in pain. I wanted to experience that alone like most of the important milestones in my pregnancy. I needed to do it alone because that’s just how it was going to be- it was going to be just me and my little guy most of the time. I needed to know I was okay in that room alone. But I was never alone- Gael’s heart beat was with me in the entire time. He helped me through from the beginning and still helps me today. 

Photo by Carlos Avila Gonzalez

Photo by Carlos Avila Gonzalez

Today Gael and I celebrated his first birthday. We are celebrating 22 months together because I cannot forget about 10 months he spent in my belly. Those 10 months changed my life, and the next 12 changed my world. The last 2 years have been the most stressful yet the happiest of my life. Yes, that is possible! It has been stressful because I’m a new mom and most of the time I have no clue about what I’m doing. It’s not easy doing this thing alone. Gael’s father is present and a good father. I have been pleasantly surprised with his support and constant presence. Having said that, Gael and I are on our own most of the time. I’m thankful for family and friends I can count on when I have to work late or I need a night out. It is a blessing to have good people in my life.

Gael and I celebrated by going out for mac and cheese. The kid recently discovered mac and cheese and loves it! I had a beer to celebrate my motherly efforts. When we got home I attempted to bake a cake from scratch and make some whipped topping. I’m not a baker so this was not an easy task for me but I figured what the hell. The cake didn’t turn out too bad and the topping after several failed attempts I finally got to thicken. I seriously have no clue how people do this stuff. I told myself I would bake Gael a cake every year so I better practice some more. In all, it was a good night for the both us. I think Gael could have cared less about the cake; all he really wanted was mommy time.

Today I kept thinking back at that day when I found out I was pregnant and how overwhelmed I felt. I would have never imagined the feelings I have today, the happiness I feel being a mom and the joy my little guy has brought me. I’m in a good place. A great place! I’m not disappointed anymore. I’m actually pretty proud of everything I have been able to do with my little guy. My career will continue. I can still do all those things I wanted to do but now with my little guy beside me. My family and friends have never been more supportive. And society can kiss my ass with their traditional idea of what a family should look like.

Life happens when we least expected. Beautiful things come into our lives in different shapes and forms. At first, we may reject the idea of change because it scares the crap out of us; it shakes us to the core and creates unbalance. I realize today life is not supposed to always be balanced. Life isn’t always supposed to feel nice or pretty, warm or fuzzy. Life it’s supposed to overwhelm us from time to time. Shake us. Scare us. Life isn’t meant to be perfect or always planned. Life can be hard but it can also be easy. Life can be ugly but it can also be so beautiful. We make life what ever we want it to be.

Gael has brought so much beauty and joy to my life. I cannot imagine how my life would be without him, I just can’t. I don’t want to. He loves for who I am. The imperfect woman I am. He makes me laugh like a kid. He makes me cry for joy. He makes me want to be better. He gives me hope. He makes my world a better place.  And oh my God when he hugs and kisses me my world stops- and everything, I mean everything is okay. 

Here are few collages of photos from Gael’s first year. 

firsts

familia

amigs

Me salio lo cursi con la maternidad // Motherhood made me a lil’ corny

22 Oct

English Version- Motherhood made me a lil’ corny

GaelEsto de la maternidad no me lo esperaba, por lo menos no ahora. Confieso que cuando me di cuenta de mi embarazo fue muy aterrador- nunca llore tanto. Ahora que tengo a mi Gael entre mis brazos es lo  mejor que me pudo haber pasado. Este amor que siento por el se me sale por los poros y no me da pena demostrarlo al aire libre. Los que me conocen se admiran un poco de esta nueva Frida que ven. Me dicen, “nunca pensé verte así.” Creo que porque no soy el tipo de persona que demuestra mucho afecto en publico, al contrario creo que hay veces que puedo ser un poco fría.  En privado es otra historia pero con Gael se me sale lo cursi sin querer ni pensarlo! Lo digo de broma pero es muy cierto. Hay momentos que me escucho y veo a mi misma y yo misma me sorprendo.  No me importa quien me vea ni quien me escuche hablándole locuras a mi bebe y comiéndomelo a besos. No me canso de decirle que lo amo y que es el amor de mi vida. Me paso de cursi y me vale. Gael me a quitado lo ruda y hablando un montón. Quien iba decir que una personita tan pequeñita tendría tanto poder sobre mi. Antes, solo me lo imaginaba pero ahora los estoy viviendo y me llena de felicidad.

papaNo, no tengo una pareja a mi lado las 24 horas del dia ni mucho menos pienso en “juntarme” con nadie por mi bebe.  No me lo imagina de esta manera pero tampoco significa que su padre no esta involucrado. Gael nos tendrá a los dos de una manera distinta y no tradicional. Y no, no se me acaba la vida por como pasaron las cosas al contrario mi vida ahora tiene un sentido diferente. Tampoco significa que me la estoy viendo difícil como madre soltera. Mi vida ahora se siente mas llena y menos complicada. La maternidad te da humildad. No diré que las cosas son fáciles pero este reto me hace una mujer mas fuerte y capaz. También aprecio mucho todo lo que me rodea, mi mama, mi familia y amigos.

securedownload-2Cuando uno se da cuenta que va tener un hijo piensa en tantas cosas. Al principio yo pensaba mucho en lo que me falto hacer, en los viajes y todos aquellos planes que tenia en mente. Ahora espero con ansias hacer todo lo que no hice con Gael a mi lado. Quiero hacer muchísimo mas ahora que lo tengo!! Quiero viajar con el a los lugares que no he viajado, quiero que conozca mis lugares favoritos, quiero que sea tan o mas aventurero que yo, quiero que conozca rincones del mundo que yo nunca conocí y quiero sea feliz haciendo lo que mas le gusta.

securedownload-3Esta felicidad que ahora siento no se compara con nada y no me canso de agradecerle a Dios por este sentir tan bonito.  Nunca pensé que diría esto pero me gusta ser cursi con mi hijo. Me gusta comérmelo a besos mientras le repito lo mucho que lo adoro. Me encanta despertarme a su lado y que me sonría cada vez que le digo algo absurdo. Me encanta bailar con el por las mañanas y escuchar música a todo volumen en el coche. Me encanta cuando me busca con su mirada y sus ojitos me dicen que me conocen. Me encanta cuando su manita aprieta con fuerzas mis dedos y no me quieren soltar. Me encanta sentir su respiración cuando esta dormido en mi pecho. Me encanta verlo convivir con su padre porque es algo que yo nunca tuve con el mio.  Me encanta cuando lo escucho gritar porque es señal que es un niño fuerte y saludable. Me encanta sentirme así- toda cursi, cariñosa y amorosa. Todo es culpa de mi hermoso Gael! 

Aqui les comparto algunas fotos que nos tomo mi gran amigo Carlos! 

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